This entry has very little to do with Dubai or being married. Very little indeed. I apologize ahead of time. It's just Morgan Spurlock has this magical way - this mutant ability, if you will - to make me extremely angry.
And you won't like me when I'm angry.
See, this morning I woke up ready to write about Dubai. Actually about my first experience eating at a McDonalds in Dubai, ironically enough. But then I saw that the first episode of the new CBS News With Katie Couric was being rerunning on our local channel MBC 4. So I figured I'd watch it.
Boy, did that move along at a rapid pace! One minute they're talking about Bill Ford leaving the Ford Company, the next they're talking about Chevron drilling a new oil well in the Gulf of Mexico, which somehow turned into a Katrina retrospective about half way through. And then all of a sudden there's Morgan Spurlock.
"Who?" You might ask me.
Morgan Spurlock is the guy who made the documentary Super Size Me a few years ago. The one where he only eats McDonalds food at least three times a day, each day, for a month.
And I hate Morgan Spurlock.
I'll admit, I've never watched the movie. And usually I'm all over people for hating something they know nothing about. But this guy ... this guy ... oh man, he gets my goat.
As you know, I like McDonalds. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I had a bunch of birthday parties at the McDonalds in North Windham as a child? Maybe it's because potatos are my favorite food and their french fries are tasty? Maybe I just like fattening burgers?
Granted I don't like McDonalds every day. I mean, c'mon. That's beyond stupid. Who seriously eats McDonalds three times a day? It's a flawed arguement from day one.
I mean, I could make a documentary where I only eat cole slaw for a month, you think that would be healthy? If I only ate carrots I'd be bright orange by week two. If I only ate beans I'd have no friends left by the third day! Virtually nothing is good for you if you do it three times a day for thirty days in a row.
"I ran three marathons a day for the month of April - and died!"
"I played Super Mario Brothers all of the way through three times a day for a month - now I weigh a metric ton - and died!"
"I tried to cross Sheikh Zayed Road three times in one day but was mowed down on the second run by a Mercedes doing 140 km/h - and died!"
(See, I worked something about Dubai in right there ...)
Nevermind the fact that Spurlock ate anywhere between two and three times the recommended daily allowance of calories per day. I mean, he overate big time. But the worst part - he stopped excersing. Completely. Did he think he was going to lose weight on that plan?! C'mon!
Morgan Spurlock is an opportunist - plain and simple. Putting yourself in a your own documentary is pretty self-promoting, like you're just looking for attention. It's the same as a five year old who is yelling "Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom-Mom" at Applebees on a Saturday afternoon, or a cat who meows outside a bedroom door every morning at 6:30 am.
(See, another Dubai story ... I'm good a weaving this back in, aren't I?)
Plus Spurlock's mustache. That really upsets me. It's like he's trying to be all West Virginia boy - but he went to NYU's Tisch School of the Arts, for the love of God!
Anyway, back to Katie Couric's news. There's a new part called "freeSpeech" where they'll get "celebrities" to talk about what what really grinds their gears. It's a pretty hokey idea, in fact, I'm 90% sure they stole it from a Family Guy episode.
And tonight was Morgan Spurlock. He was ranting about how the media makes everything us vs. them, red states vs. blue states, "tastes great" vs. "less filling".
He goes on to say that he's been to every state in this great nation ... "except for Maine, where they don't take their long johns off until May".
Hmm.
Well golly, Mr. Spurlock, do you really want to go tête à tête with Maine?
Let's go to StateMaster - the friendly site that has US Statistics and State Comparisons.
Mr. Spurlock, could your whole "Super Size" issue come from the fact that West Virginians are painfully obsese?
And if you think I'm being too mean to Spurlock, well, there are some teachers here, right? I think we have a pretty teacher-sympathetic crowd, yeah?
Well Morgan Spurlock is also well known for his March 2006 profanity and insult-laced speech to Philadelphia high-school students at a health fair. He made fun of the "retarded kids in the back wearing helmets" and teachers smoking pot in the balcony. The best part? The special needs kids were really in the back row, until the teachers (who apparently were not smoking) lead them out.
Tomorrow I'll tell you about my plans to only eat Chicken Shawarma sandwiches for a month. That's right, morning, noon and night. I'm gonna take down that little cafe on the corner for selling fattening foods to me whenever I want. Bring it on, you fat-peddling evildoers! It's go time!
